Good question! WHAT is it????!
Firstly, unlike a Dadaist ‘Readymade’, which isn’t made by the artist but you can tell what it is; Abstract art is made by the artist, but you can’t tell what it is… apart from perhaps a mess.
For example the Famous Dadaist artist’s Jeff Koon’s Readymade ‘Vacuum Cleaner’ (above) was not made by the Famous artist Jeff Koon’s, but you can tell it’s a vac. We could, I suppose, credit James Dyson as being the artist, if it was a Dyson… or possibly J. Edgar Hoover if it was a Hoover- either way it is undoubtedly a vac.
(actually, I couldn’t afford to show you a picture of the Famous Dadaistic artist Jeff Koon’s ‘Vaccum Cleaner 47’, so I picked this one up at Argos, but I think you get the point.
Whereas (below) the Famous Abstract artist John Hoyland’s ‘Homage to Constable’ is made by the Famous Abstractional artist John Hoyland but… can you tell it’s a ‘Homage to Constable’ ?!!? Me neither.
Famous Abstract artist John Hoyland’s ‘Homage to Constable’ Portrait of ‘Mrs Somebody or Other’ by John Constable
(actually, I couldn’t afford to show you a picture of Famous Abstractist artist John Hoyland’s ‘Homage to Constable’, so I got a cat to paint this one instead (no really). [if all this angling for a bigger budget you’re wasting your time. Ed]
Admittedly, John Constable is better known for his landscapes and Famous Abstractist artist John Hoyland’s ‘Homage to Constable’ hopefully, alludes to those. So to be fair, here are the real things:
As you can see, all becomes clear. The green smudge is the land, the orange smudge the sky and the yellow smudges the clouds. Or possibly the other way around. Anyway, a load of hommage if ever I saw one. By the by, Famous Abstractical Artist John Hoyland’s is also famous for his famous ‘economy of paint’, notice how he economically, and famously, doesn’t paint right up to the edges. Every little helps John, every little helps.
But I digress.
Secondly, Abstractionalism , as we in the art world call it, must be BIG. Let’s face it, when you’re literally throwing paint at a canvas it helps if you have a BIG canvas – paint that misses is a bugger to get out of the carpet no matter which vac you use! Plus, when you’re charging a pile of money for old rope it helps if there’s a big pile of old rope; ideally there should be enough for the artist to hang themself. Incidentally artist hanging themselves was done in the 60’s and 70’s; it was called ‘Performance Artism’, not because it went quicker ( a REALLY Famous Abstract-o-nauts, such as Jackson Pollock, could dribble out 4 or 5 paintings in the time it took a MERELY Famous Performancealistic artist to hang himself even once) but because everyone clapped when it was all over.
But I digress.
Below we see a real Famous Abstraction artist! John Hoyland, hard at work posing in his studio. (Whoops, you won’t be getting that rug clean in a hurry John!) It’s clearly the start of John’s busy day throwing paint around, how can we tell? Elementary, he hasn’t go a splat on him!
The picture give a clue to another way John cleverly achieves his famous ‘economy of paint’ can you spot it? YES! he buys cheap paint! [HELLO… have you bought a tin of Dulux recently. Ed] How much do you charge for these things again John? He even uses the tins to hold up the canvas thus saving the cost of an easel! I suspect that John is so famously economical that he flogs the carpet as ‘Axminster 8.10.78’. In fact the only paint John really wastes is that which hits the canvas, and from the state of his living room, that looks like an economically small amount.
A lesson to us all John, a lesson to us all.
But I digress.
From the 50’s to the 70’s abstract art cleaned up. [Which brand of vacuum cleaner did they use? Ha Ha. Ed.] The second world war was over, America had won, rock and roll was on the wireless television and old brown painting was out – new bright splodges was in. Abstract Artism was symbolic of the new world order: crude, antisocial, wasteful, elitist and heavily militarised. Whether there is any truth in the rumour that some American Abstractist artists were funded by the C.I.A. for their propaganda value in the ideology war against Russia… is something I have sworn never to reveal. Enigmatic, provocative and pretentiously titled works such as: ‘Full Fathom Five, Number 32’, ‘Hating And Dreaming’, ‘Endless Poem’, ‘My God How Do I Get Away With This Nonsense, Number 57’ and ’Do I Look Bothered’, were described by contemporary critics as ‘terribly modern acts of painting’ that ‘placed maximum pressure against conscious design’, ‘broke the barriers of seeing to revolutionise art’ and ‘dragged the art world kicking and screaming into a brave new, modern era’.
Or rather that’s what Abstractist artists, dealers and their critic sympathisers would have us believe. Actually, all that had been done at the end of the previous century by cubism and fauvism, or half a century before that if you count J.M. ‘Slasher’ Turner. Abstractionism was just more of the same, but BIGGER and BADDER. And by the by, the art world has never needed dragging; it is ever on the lookout for band wagons to jump on and it leapt onto Abstractionstism’s with the all alacrity of an avaricious arms dealer spotting a cut-price B2 stealth bomber.
But I digress.
All this isn’t to say that some Abstractionist art isn’t nice. It is, some of it is very pretty, in the same way that a crumbling brick wall can be very pretty or an old door with peeling paint or a patch of mossy tree bark. All lovely compositions of colour and texture… and completely random. If you like Abstractionist art here’s a money saving tip: Do It Yourself. These days with modern camera and print technology anyone can snap an oily puddle and have it up on their wall as a 8×8 foot ‘canvas’ quicker than you can say ‘Neo-Conceptualist Dadao-Abstract Construct’. It’ll look fab behind your Phillip Starck sofa and it’ll cost a fraction of a real piece of Abstractist art.
Not good enough? Want genuine paint on genuine canvas? No problem. Below is a genuine MASTERPIECE by the VERY Famous Abstractionalistic artist Mark Rothko. ANYBODY can paint that. ANYBODY. And remember, Abstractist art is meant to be fun… Ha.
Above: Mark Rothko’s ‘Two Coats of Dulux Barely Black – Number 17’ 1964.
Lastly, and most importantly, Abstractionistic Artalism hasn’t gone away; it’s still out there and it’s still selling… so be careful, and the next time someone offers you a blank canvas for the knock-down bargain price of £1,750,000 THINK – is it really worth it?
Classix Board Games 
you’re a snarky lil bitch you know that?
LikeLike